WHY would I explore my SEXUALITY? Where do I start?
Like so many, you might notice that you have a desire to explore sexually, but you're not sure if it is worth while for you. Even if you are aware of the Spiritual, Mental and Physical benefits, you probably have felt unsure what to do or where to start. If you relate, this post is for you!
In my attempts to share my musings around relationships and sex to you, I often feel sidelined by an overwhelm. Which things are what you want to know or talk about? I need more feedback. I made a conscious decision to start sharing, not knowing if it is helpful for you, but trusting that because I’m called to share, it will reach someone who needs to hear it.
First of all, I will be eventually switching to a primarily video format, because I think most of us prefer to see a face than to read words, so I’m working on that for you!
Second and more importantly, lets talk about something sexy for a bit together! ;)
You probably related to my overwhelm I mentioned earlier. Hundreds of people have shared with me that when it comes to their sex lives, they often don’t even know where to start, and, even more, don’t know if they need to, or want to!
I want to be clear that when I say ‘sexuality’ or even ‘sex’, I do not restrict this to penetration or even to genital play. I believe that our sexuality is much more complex than a set of genitals.
So why might we want to we explore sexuality? Lets come up with a couple reasons to start, and if you relate to them, read on! If not, then maybe exploring sexuality isn’t your thing right now and THAT IS OKAY TOO!
WHY TO EXPLORE MY SEXUALITY:
I want to FEEL GOOD!
I used to feel so embarrassed and even ashamed of wanting to feel pleasure. I’m slowly teaching myself that I am safe to feel good, and that feeling good is actually a deeply spiritual and potentially healing experience!
Let me clarify that I do not mean my superficial desires like: 'Ya, the brownie smell in this café smells delightful!' My deeper desire is to feel good in my body and to be healthy…so my desire for the treat is trumped by my desire to be healthy (a gluteny sugary brownie would make me feel sick).
Our deepest pleasures are our GUIDANCE SYSTEM in this life! When something brings me joy, pleasure, fulfillment, love, or any other good feeling emotions, then I know that it is GOOD FOR ME, and has the power to HEAL ME.
I truly believe that simply in FEELING GOOD, we can reclaim our lives and learn to enjoy life fully and deeply. I also believe that hen we feel good is also when we are the most alligned with our highest Self: the version of ourselves that we truly are and deeply desire to be.
I want to learn about WHO I AM
My Sexuality is deeply rooted in my sense of WHO I AM. When I explore my sexuality, I learn about my sense of ‘self’!
This is HUGE. Anyone with an interest in growing in understanding themselves will find answers and ideas within their sexuality that dig to the DEEPEST parts of who they are!
I have healing to do around LOVE, TRUST, or SURRENDER.
Ever find yourself stressing about by something, and then you remember that stress doesn’t help the situation? If you decide to let go in that moment, immediately your worries about it fade and you find simple joys again in it. I bet you can remember that feeling!
Our sexuality is one of the greatest tools in the practice of surrendering to DIVINE LOVE. This is what you'll hear me call "Allignment" or "Joy" or "Love" or (best of all) "Orgasm." This place is seemingly on another planet, and if is full of self love, love of others, as well as trust in ourselves and others! If I can learn to love my body, to feel pleasure with her, in her, for her, then I can apply this practice of loving myself to everything else as well.
What and incredibly powerful and fun way to practice love, trust, and surrender through simple bodily pleasure! Our brains are hardwired as an animal instinct to want pleasure. Body pleasure is one of the fastest and most fun ways to heal our fears and resistances to love, trust, and surrender!
That concept of the healing of orgasm is whole post on its own (stay tuned).
I find so many people don’t even WANT to learn or expand. It is absolutely up to you if you decide this journey is for you. If you do, and you want to know whats next, keep reading.
WHERE DO I START?
Let me break this common sense of overwhelm down for you into 2 categories:
1. Things we know: Likes, dislikes, preferences, extreme turn-ons, turn-offs, and major 'O' inducers.
This category works perfectly with the analogy of 2 boxes. We like to know these things clearly and then to wrap them up in a pretty box.
Our favourite box is a pretty one with a bow just for the things we WANT and LOVE, and we open this one often or at least sometimes.
The second box contains the things we don’t like, or the things we think we don’t like but haven’t actually tried, the things which we are terrified to admit we might like (did someone say spankings?)
2. Things we don’t know. “Uh….I don’t know so I cant explain it…” (Often combined with confused looks).
Outside of our neat and tidy boxes are whole other worlds ("I was on another planet!") of ideas and sensations and turn-ons which we don’t even know exist. When we haven’t thought of, been exposed to, or tried something, we can’t know what it feels like. This means that we often feel confused or overwhelmed about anything that is outside of our nice boxes.
Some of these things we know about; “I know kink exists, but I haven’t thought of it so its not in my boxes of what I know yet.” We will have limited language for these things. I might know that I am open to trying being tied up, but I’m not open to getting marks on my skin from it.
How to explain or voice what we desire when we don’t know anything about it, is like asking a blind man to describe colour. We simply cant explain or even imagine something we don’t know yet.
So where do I start!?
Well, I shared my own example if not knowing where to start with my posts to you. I start with something that FEELS GOOD! This way of finding our way is so powerful because we all can relate and understand what feels good.
What FEELS GOOD is the umbrella of every sexual pleasure, and, in my belief system it also is a spiritual way of being!
All we have to do is source ONE THING which we know will feel good, and go from there! If you know that you will like “x,” lets start there! We start within the metaphorical box, and then can slowly incorporate more, one thing at a time.
I personally choose to practice accepting things as they arrive as I believe that what is here is exactly perfect….so if I feel drawn to touch you at the back of your neck, I test it out:
“Hm…how does this feel? Do you like this spot? This pressure?” Etc. And the decisions of what to try next come naturally! What you are drawn to will start to show itself!
Now lets avoid getting derailed:
One major block to allowing this exploration and expansion is addiction to our neat and tidy boxes. This is why literal addictions like addiction to porn ruins our sex lives! If we practice using one thing, one fantasy, one stroke style, etc, over and over, guess what!? Our brains LOVE routine and it creates habits QUICKLY! If you notice that you go to the same habit over and over, call yourself out (or let me, haha). If you masturbate the same way, if your stroke is repetitive, if you find sex becoming monotonous, you know you’re in a rut and need to try something different! Your body might find this challenging and not even know that something different could lead to pleasure because you’ve taught it that this one thing you’ve become addicted to is the only thing that leads to pleasure. Start retraining your brain and your body to find pleasure in new places!
I hope you enjoyed my post and that you have some new ideas and thoughts! Please share them with me! I will be designing my posts and videos based on what you share with me so please say hi!
If you feel that you need or want support, please reach out to me if you're in the Vancouver area, or to another Tantric Teacher or Sex Therapist in your area. There is no need to do this on your own. You are deserving of love and pleasure!
GO GET IT my loves!